


The Voices in My Head

by officiallyrogers



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aunt Peggy Carter, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Bisexual Steve Rogers, Clint's farmhouse, Hurt Steve Rogers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I did my best, I hope you all enjoy this, I'm so sorry for this angsty mess, M/M, Making Up, Momma Rogers gives a pep talk, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter is fucking awesome, Please Don't Kill Me, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Has Issues, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Gets a Hug, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Steve decides to tell the truth, Steve has nightmares and ptsd and stuff, Steve is a good person in this one, Steve is only a human, Top Steve Rogers, and Peggy is the one to give that hug, don't hurt me please I tried, make up kisses and sex, oh yeah btw there's sex in this but it's not detailed, soft Tony and soft Steve, this is a really messy fic oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 04:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15356619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/officiallyrogers/pseuds/officiallyrogers
Summary: Steve has always had issues and no one really speaks about them. Until now.basically some light being shone on Steve and his mental health and realisation that he's not the perfect golden boy Marvel made him out to be.





	The Voices in My Head

**Author's Note:**

> massive thanks to those who believed in me to write this ily all <3

Steve sat in the jet, leaning against the wall. He was tired. He was hurting. He closed his eyes and let himself drift.

_The jazz music played and people laughed. Steve walked ahead and looked around. He was in a ballroom from the 40s. How was this possible? A camera flashed in his face and his whole body flinched, his mouth nearly screaming “get it away from me!” Two men were fighting and one man had blood on his shirt and another person was dabbing at it but they were… laughing? Why were they laughing? Everyone was so happy…_

_Everyone was dancing before he heard a voice spoke._

_“Are you ready for our dance?”_

_Steve turned and his heart clenched when he saw her. Peggy._

_“The war’s over, Steve. We can go home. Imagine it.” Steve turned to look to the front again before he saw the ballroom was empty and that he was alone. It wasn’t the first time but it still hurt. In another world, him and Peggy were dancing. In another world, Peggy was his and Steve was hers._

“The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is.” Steve opened his eyes to hear Maria Hill’s voice, speaking through the comms. “There’s been no official call for Banner’s arrest but it’s in the air.”

“The Stark Relief Foundation?” Tony asked.

“Already on the scene. How’s the team?” Maria asked and Tony gulped.

“Everyone’s…” Tony hesitated before he said, “we took a hit. We’ll shake it off.”

Steve leaned his head back and took a deep breath, closing his eyes to get some rest before they landed at a ‘safehouse’ according to Clint.

~

Steve looked at Clint’s kids, smiling at the little girl while his mind was thinking ‘ _holy shit, Clint has kids_ ’. The toast pinged out of the toaster and suddenly Thor was on his way out. Steve followed him and called his name out.

“I saw something in that dream. I need answers. I won’t find them here.” And with the whoosh of his hammer, Thor flew off. Steve was left on the porch, looking around at the fields and hearing the birds chirp. He turned around to walk back inside the house when he heard Peggy in the back of his mind.

_We can go home._

Steve stopped walking, hearing the laughter that was coming from inside the house and stood very still, his face in pain. He looked down then looked at the fields over his shoulder and sighed before he turned and walked off towards the trees.

 

Steve kept walking and walking until he was deep in the forest, his heart aching while tears fell down his cheeks when he remembered his last conversation with Peggy.

_“Peggy.”_

_“I’m here.” She’d been crying. And Steve hated hearing her cry. It was his fault she was crying. His._

_“I’m gonna need a raincheck on that dance.”_

_“Alright. A week next Saturday, at the Stork Club.”_

_“You got it.”_

_“8 o’clock on the dot. Don’t you dare be late. Understood?”_

_“Y’know, I still don’t know how to dance.” He looked ahead, fear on his face as he saw the land mass approaching, the engines groaning as if to scream, “pull up!”_

_“I’ll show you how. Just be there.” Steve could hear her voice soft and broken and all he could do was listen painfully._

_“We’ll have the band play something slow.” The plane was getting closer and closer to land. “I’d hate to step on your…”_

His vision got too blurry and he tripped over a tree branch on the floor, grunting in pain when his face hit the floor. He braced himself up with his hands before he dusted himself off, more tears falling, and it wasn’t because he fell. His heart hurt so fucking much. He sat down by the tree and brought his knees up to his chest, sobbing like he did when his mother died a lifetime ago. He was feeling the pain of losing someone he really loved. Someone who loved him before the serum.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered before he started shaking his head. He tried to say more than just ‘I’m sorry’ but right now, those words were all he could say. That was all he was feeling.

“I’m so sorry, Peggy.” He said a little clearly. “I’m sorry!” He cried out, his shoulders shaking with his sobs as he screamed his pain out. The pain he kept hidden for so long. His screams echoed in the forest as he sobbed more before he looked up when he heard a twig snap. He was alone, wasn’t he?

He wasn’t alone.

“Oh, my sweet little boy.” His mother came forward and stroked his hair and Steve closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, his heart hurting.

“Momma, I- how are you here? You left- you died…” Steve whispered, opening his eyes while hearing how hoarse his voice was.

“I never left you, my darling,” she said in her soft Irish voice, “I was always with you. Right here,” she said, pointing to his heart.

“As am I.” Steve looked past the image of his mother and saw Peggy. Her young beautiful face looking back at his tear stained one. His heart clenched and his lower lip trembled, more tears falling. He was imagining this… there was no way they would actually be here.

“Peggy… I- I’m sorry I left you- you must’ve been so alone…” Steve whispered, his voice breaking. “I left you and I-I’m so sorry…!” He sobbed out, shaking his head before he felt a slender finger wiping his tears away.

“It’s not your fault. You saved the world. I was proud of you for that. I still am.” Peggy whispered, kissing his temple and Steve let out a shaky breath, breathing softly.

“She’s right, Steve. You saved millions of people. That’s something that no one else could’ve done. You have bravery that I’ve never seen in anyone else. Not even your father.” Sarah’s eyes drifted down to the floor at the mention of her husband, sighing softly before she looked at Steve again.

“Momma, I got the bravery from you. Not from him.” Steve said and Sarah looked at her child, smiling sadly.

“And it’s me who left you. When you were already so alone.” Sarah whispered, her voice cracking.

“No, no, no, no, Momma,” Steve was shaking his head, “you’re not to blame. You were ill. That’s not your fault.” Steve said, holding out his hand for his mother to take. Sarah took it and Steve gestured for her to take a seat. Steve unfolded his legs so they were laid out straight in front of him, gesturing to Peggy to take a seat next to him on his other side.

“You two are the most important ladies in my life. You two might not be here with me at the current moment in the present day but you guys have made such an impact of my life.” Both Sarah and Peggy were looking at Steve, smiling as Peggy placed her head on Steve’s shoulder. “I’m just scared.” He whispered, looking down at his lap.

“Of what?” Peggy asked, intertwining her fingers with Steve’s.

“Of not being able to have what Clint has. A family. A home. Someone I can live life with, a spouse. Just some peace and quiet from being an Avenger.” Steve said and Peggy’s hand squeezed his hand. “After the fall of SHIELD, I’ve found it harder to trust people. Especially when they’re pretending to be a nurse when actually they’re spying on me.” Steve said, tilting his head to look at Peggy with a raised eyebrow, a small smirk on his lips.

“Oh, hush, you. She means well and she’s learnt from the best.” Peggy teased, smiling and Steve laughed softly before he abruptly stopped with a small frown.

“What’s wrong?” Sarah asked, looking at him in confusion.

“That’s the first time… since I woke up from the ice… that I’ve actually genuinely laughed.” Steve said softly, frowning a little more that it’d been so long since he let out the lightest bit of a laugh. _Had it really ben that long?_

“What else did you want to say?” Sarah asked and Steve picked up from when he left, placing his head on his mother’s shoulder.

“Clint has what I want. What I’ve always wanted. What I wanted to share with Peggy. Now I don’t even know if I’ll ever find someone like Peggy ever again, whether it’s a girl or a… guy.” Steve whispered the last part, somewhat embarrassed that he came out to his mother and first love of his life.

“You know, you don’t need to be embarrassed, sweetheart. Being bisexual is just as normal as being heterosexual.” Sarah said and Steve found himself feeling relieved that his deceased mother accepted him as bisexual.

“It was only ever you, Peggy, that would make me act like a moron in love.”

“What about a guy? Is there anyone of the same sex who makes you feel giddy?” Peggy asked, pulling away to look at the blond.

Steve’s mind flashed back to those auburn eyes he saw in the Quinjet when they’d captured Loki and were on their way to the Helicarrier, the song ‘Shoot to Thrill’ playing in his mind. Even if he didn’t like the band AC/DC, the song made him smile. _But it wasn’t because of the band but because of who he associated the song with._ The colours red and gold flickering in the sun was on his mind and the red blush on his cheeks made both Sarah and Peggy smile, knowing who it was. _Of course they knew,_ Steve thought _, they see and know everything_.

“There is.” Steve whispered, smiling.

“And he’s a good man. The most excellent man I’ve ever known. And he’d be lucky to have you and you’d be lucky to have him. You both deserve so much and you deserve each other. Both of you riddled with guilt, PTSD and nightmares and losing the things you love would make you protect each other more and that kind of love and support is something you need right now, Steve.” Peggy said, not at all bothered that Steve was crushing on the son of her best friend and colleague.

“Back when I used to babysit Tony, he was the cutest boy you’d ever seen. I-”

“Wait, you used to babysit Tony?” Steve asked, frowning.

“Of course, I was his godmother.” Peggy said and continued to speak. “When Tony was small, he had a mind no one had ever seen before and that’s what makes him excellent. And he was very much an emotional child and that’s what makes him a human.”

Steve listened and nodded, sighing. “Would he be able to put up with my state of depression?”

“What do you mean?” Sarah asked.

“After the ice, everything was so new. And so different. I felt like an alien living in my own home city. Things didn’t go so well for me and I went into a pit of darkness, not coming out of the SHIELD room I was given for weeks. Life didn’t seem worth living for me. I just hope he’s ready for that. I hope he’s ready for someone who doesn’t know how to work a laptop properly or someone who’s still got stuff to learn. Like how to live.” Steve said and Peggy kissed his cheek.

“If you knew the answer as to who could make you live better, would you go to them?” Peggy asked. Steve nodded. “Then go to him.” She whispered and Steve sighed.

“I’m scared he won’t like me. And even worse, he likes me and we get somewhere and then he leaves me. After what happened with me and you being separated… I don’t think I can take another rejection or tolerate the feeling of being abandoned.” Steve sighed again. “I’m scared that with my nightmares and stuff… he’ll grow tired of me.” Steve added, not knowing Tony also suffered from nightmares. “And then on top of that, I’m not that great of a guy as Steve Rogers. Everyone wants Captain America. But as soon as Steve Rogers says hi, then everyone scrams because they don’t want a guy who has PTSD, nightmares and so much baggage.” Steve’s voice was quiet and Peggy looked at him, while his mother rubbed his back.

“You don’t have baggage. And Steve Rogers is an amazing man. Pick the person who’s right for you.” Peggy said and Sarah nodded, making Steve look at his mother.

“She’s right. You’re a greater man than anyone else I’ve ever known and any other man who walks this earth. You’ve always doubted yourself too much, sweetheart. Learn to love yourself and learn to accept that while you have nightmares and you hate them, one day you’ll find someone who will stay up calming you down from that bad dream. They’ll listen to you talk about it and they’ll help you out of those nightmares so that one day you’ll get a good night’s sleep and they’ll make sure it stays that way.” Sarah said and Steve nodded, a small smile on his face.

Ever since he woke up from the ice, Steve would wake up nearly every night sweating, scared and in fear from dreaming about losing Bucky or seeing himself crash the plane again and again like it was on a loop. It drove him crazy. The thought that he could get one night of sleep without a nightmare sounded like a dream come true. And he really needed that.

Sarah got up and Steve frowned in confusion as his fingers slipped out of her hand.

“I have to go now, Steven.” Sarah said and Steve felt his heart clench when she called him by his full name. He frowned and got up, taking his mother’s hand again. But his hand went right through hers.

“No, no- Momma, please. Please, don’t leave me.” His voice broke again and he let out a choked cry, shaking his head.

Sarah smiled sadly and raised her hand to cup her son’s cheek, fading away as she did.

“I love you.” She whispered and Steve let a tear drop down his cheek as he whispered the same words back to her before she disappeared completely.

Steve felt it all over again; he was a small 16 year old losing his mother and the pain was raw. Steve felt Peggy’s arms around him, shushing him as he buried his face in her neck.

“I keep losing everyone I love or care about! Whether it’s you, Momma, Bucky or my friends. I lose everyone and it hurts!” Steve cried out and Peggy stroked his hair, her own lower lip trembling as she held him close.

“Then keep them close, darling.” Peggy said softly into his ear. “You only lost me because we never really got to admit how we really felt. Because the circumstances around us caused us to separate. I guarantee you that if you were to tell Tony how you feel towards him, tell him that you know the truth behind the murder of his parents and keep him close, you two would be together longer than you and I ever were.” Peggy whispered and it was all making sense to Steve. Steve knew what he had to do.

“I’m still sorry I left you. I should’ve given you my coordinates and you could’ve found me and you wouldn’t have had to live life alone.” Steve said. “I saw your interview that you did in 1953, they have it up in the Smithsonian and… just seeing you get upset when you said I was still changing your life after the war, I should’ve been there with you.” Steve said, feeling regret. _So much regret_.

“Don’t blame yourself about that. I told you, you saved the world. You made that choice to save millions and I’m proud of you for doing that.” Peggy was stroking his cheek, smiling at Steve. “We tried looking for you but the snow had covered the plane up. The landscape in that area changes everyday so, chances are, even if we went there ourselves, we wouldn’t have found you.” She added and Steve nodded, leaning into her touch.

“Don’t you ever forget about me, alright?” Peggy asked, smirking at the soldier and he chuckled back, smiling.

“How can I forget my girl?” Steve whispered, cupping her cheek. But his smile faded when he saw she was fading.

“No, no- don’t go, please…” Steve begged in a quiet whisper, grabbing her hand as if it would make her stay and Peggy looked at him apologetically.

“Visit me sometime. I love you, Steve.” She whispered and Steve knew he had to say it now before she faded.

“I love you too, Peggy.” He whispered before she blew a kiss and disappeared. Steve’s hand was extended up in the air where Peggy has held it before she faded and he sat still for a moment, breathing heavily to himself. He could almost hear her voice again from the transmission before he crashed the plane, sounding so sad and broken. Steve dropped his hand and let himself cry for a few more moments before he got up, wiped his tears and smiled up at the sky.

“I won’t let you two down. Love you, Momma and love you, Peggy.” Steve said before he walked back to the farmhouse, his shield still on his back and the others were in the kitchen but Clint saw him and caught him.

“Oh, hey, Cap! So, you’re sharing a room with Tony. It’s just there, down the corridor, on the right.” The archer said before he walked back to the kitchen and Steve’s heart started racing.

He was sharing a room with Tony? He was sharing a room with Tony.

He smiled at the ceiling as if to see his mother and Peggy there and winked before he walked to the designated room and saw Tony there already. Tony was holding a plaid shirt, tying it around his waist.

“Hey, Cap. So, apparently, we’re sharing. Can you believe they put us together? Still, beats sharing with Natasha who might strangle me with her legs if I kept staying up all night to draw up more armour designs. So would Pepper. Only one of them would joke about the strangling and I’m telling you now, it’s the assassin.” The genius kept rambling and Steve kept watching the man he liked talk.

“Are you okay? You’re just standing there.” Tony said and Steve nodded, a small smile on his lips as he looked up at the ceiling then back to Tony. Tony followed Steve’s eyes to the ceiling and frowned when he was confused as to what Steve was looking at.

“I’m fine.” Steve said, his eyes fixed on Tony and he stepped forward, taking his shield off his back to lean it against the wall.

“What’s… wrong?” Tony asked when he saw Steve smiling like he was a lovesick teenager.

“Nothing is wrong. I need to tell you something. Actually, I need to tell you a lot of things.” Steve said, gesturing to the bed. “Sit, Tony. This will take a while.”

*

Later, that night, Steve kissed Tony’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around Tony’s naked body, his own naked body laying beside Tony’s as his chest was pressed up against Tony’s back, spooning him from behind. Tony was smiling with his eyes closed, loving the strong arms wrapped around him as Steve had his nose buried in the side of Tony’s neck, feeling content.

The talk Steve had with Tony was the greatest decision Steve had ever made. Yes, Tony might have gotten a little mad that Steve and Natasha knew who the culprit was behind the murder of his parents but Tony’s anger dissolved quickly when he realised Steve was being the bigger man here, owning up to his mistake and telling him that information there and then.

Tony’s eyes were on Steve when Steve also revealed that he was bisexual, hearing Steve describe the person he was currently crushing on. At first, Tony was hoping it was him but when Steve described his mystery person as having brown hair, he dismissed it. _It could be anyone_ , Tony thought. But the more Steve described his mystery crush, the harder Tony’s heart raced because it sounded a lot like he was describing him.

“And it’s you.” Steve finally said, his heart racing as he looked at Tony.

Tony was froze on the outside but he was internally screaming. The person he looked up to as a child and had a crush on in his teenage years was now admitting he liked him romantically. After his split with Pepper, Tony had a tough time trying to get back into the dating game, but then for the first time in so long, he was free. And he finally saw Steve in a different light. After meeting up with him after the fall of SHIELD, Tony saw something in Steve that he didn’t see before and it made him think of Steve and see him in a unique way. And before he knew it, Tony was crushing on Steve. But with years of hiding emotions from the press and media made it easier for Tony to play it chill. But there were times when Tony had slipped off the mask and let his emotions show.

Tony only snapped out of his thoughts when Steve got up, mumbling how he shouldn’t have said that, shaking his head with multiple apologies coming out of his mouth and Tony quickly jumped off the bed and hugged Steve.

“It’s you for me too.” He whispered, feeling Steve’s strong arms wrap around his small frame. “Always have been and always will be, Cap.” Tony whispered. Tony pulled away and looked at Steve and Steve looked at Tony and it wasn’t long before the two ripped each other’s clothes off, messy kisses being exchanged while the two were breathing heavily. The two men were like jigsaw puzzles, fitting against each other perfectly and it was like sex was designed for the two of them as they moved together so fucking perfectly.

After the two reached their climaxes, Steve looked at Tony and stroked his hair softly, breathing heavily. Steve just smiled at the brunet, nudging his nose against Tony’s before they shuffled on the bed, Steve spooning Tony from behind.

“Goodnight, Steve.” Tony whispered, kissing Steve’s hand.

“Goodnight, Tony.” Steve whispered back. And that night, Steve slept soundly; no nightmares plaguing his mind like they always did and he knew every night would be like this one. Peaceful and so right.

 

~end~


End file.
